Several months have passed since my last post........I remember from all my many journal or diary entries where I had began many times before, that i began using those same words... It seems that at times, it's easy to let the "business" of life get in the way of doing things that hold value and meaning. Or, maybe it's the "newness" of changing things up, breaking the duldrums of the "same old, same old" routine. But, maybe, just maybe, the very idea of creating this blog and really putting my Self out there, being raw, vulnerable, visible and exposed sparked the fear of being seen for me, which is why I closed down and went within.
Everyone is always asking me if I'm married or have a boyfriend. When I tell them no and that I've been on my own for the past 10 years, you can almost hear them gasp. As if they cannot believe that someone would Choose to be single! Sometimes it makes me laugh and i'll through in the ole, "I've gotten so set in my own ways, that I probably don't have the patience or the desire to put up with someone else's bs!" But truth be told, there ARE times where I do miss the company and companionship of another. Then when I think of the fact that I am pushing 50, the thought of being alone somehow continues to loose it's appeal. It's as if there is a tug of war going on within my head!
Why do I choose to be single? Is it fear of falling in love or a fear of repeating the same story of having poor judgment? Repeating the same old mistakes, those same old patterns seems to be my MO. This is where my inner journey begins. Since the age of 3 or 4 (I am not exactly sure at what age it began and no one in my family will discuss it) I became "Granpa's Lil Angel" and my life was forever changed! Looking back now, I know that it had set me up to continue to attract to my life the same abusive patterns, not realizing that I had a choice, that there were options as an adult where i could free my Self from the Victim Consciousness and move my Self into a state of Empowerment.
It wasn't until about 6 years ago when the last man I dated, had all the right external makings of the perfect mate, carried all the same inner traits I had known all too well...it sent me on a Journey, a Going Within if you will to discover how I could make this shift. After along period of silence, I finally begin to understand that my lesson to learn in this lifetime is one of Love. Not, the love you feel for others, that warm and cozy, toe curling emotions, but love for Self!
This becomes forgeign territory for me, walking around in unfamiliar surroundings. This is the journey we will share together. I intent to be fully open with you, sharing with you my pains and joys, my challenges, struggles and successes, my ups and downs and all things.. I intend to be completely vulnerable and transparent and by the time that we have completed our journey, I hope it is with the realization of Self Love!
Let the journey begin
ME
